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« Amazing America | Home | Belief in miracles »

With two hands

Column October 2008 Wednesday 15 October 2008 In the women’s magazine “Libelle” I read a letter to the editor entitled “Everything for others, but nothing for us”. The author, Barbara, wrote about her father, who believes that he is entitled to an honorary award because he does so much for others.

No one ever calls on him in vain: The neighbors, organizations, whomever, he always stands at the ready for everyone. “But for us he never has any time,” Barbara wrote. “If we ask him something we always get a “no”, without so much as an apology. However, my mother is always there for us. She taught us how to play Chinese checkers and chess, and when we need to talk we do so with her. My father wants the ribbon, but my mother deserves it.”

That article in “Libelle” made me rear in angry. What’s wrong with that man? He puts children in the world but from then on he is absent in their lives. Perhaps he will receive an honorary award at some point and, surely, after he passes away, there will be a lot of praising obituaries from the many organizations he worked for. But what good does that do when you’re dead and your kids remember with bitterness a father who did get a ribbon but who was never there for them? Thankfully, there are other fathers, too. Fathers who know how to spend time with their children and give them their attention, even when they themselves did not grow up with the right example. Perhaps that’s exactly why – maybe they do not want to repeat the mistakes of their own father.



Of course, times have changed. Today, young fathers have more household chores than before and that gives them the chance to build better ties with their children. With the exception of the career-oriented types, for whom the five-day workweek is still in force and taking work home is not abnormal. Unfortunately, that often goes at the expense of “quality time” with the family and for them there is no “Daddy Day”, like there can be for so many other fathers. Those fathers you see walking behind the baby stroller, sometimes pushing it forward with only one hand just like some mothers do, while making calls on their cell phone. In the old days, long before cell phones, IF a father was walking behind a baby stroller he very often pushed it with one hand as well. According to a Dutch child psychiatrist whose name has escaped me, that was a bad sign because it meant that that man didn’t really want to walk behind that stroller and was embarrassed about it, feeling decidedly not masculine. It must have been at least twenty-five years ago that I heard that child psychiatrist talk about it on the radio and since then much has changed. Most fathers, these days, unabashedly push the stroller with both hands, but there are still the macho types, the “one-hand-pushers”, the guys who don’t really want to rub elbows with their little ones, at least not for the whole world to see. I can’t help myself - I always pay attention. For the one-hand-pushers I have no respect, although they may well be good fathers. Grandpas score high with me, as they always push with both hands. I understand why: First of all, they don’t even think about the way to push, just like the fathers who automatically push with both hands. Grandpas often interact in a fun way with their grandkids, too. After all, they have all the time for it now that they no longer have a career and a busy job to worry about. They do not want to miss what they did miss with their own children: the first little tooth, the first baby steps, and those first words. Many grandpas derive more joy from their grandkids than they ever did from their own children. They baby-sit them and pick them up from school. For grandpas it’s perhaps even more fun to baby-sit than for grandmas, who already spent their lives caring for kids and who perhaps would like to do something different while they’re still in good health. In practice, it shows that with grandpas and grandmas who baby-sit their grandchildren it’s the grandma who has the direction and responsibility, likely because of her experience. Grandpas are there for the fun, grandmas for the care.



Today, as a father, you should praise yourself lucky if you can arrange for a leave of absence to care for your children, and if you have the possibility to look after your child one day a week. Perhaps you can feel the first bite from that little baby tooth, of videotape the first steps. But this time passes and then it’s back to work in full force because most bosses would rather not have young employees who work shorter hours. Now the government wants to cut back on childcare subsidies and if that happens parents will start working less. It will likely come down to the mothers working less because in The Netherlands it still is the case that the fathers are the career makers and the mothers are the caregivers. How often do you hear that fathers hardly ever see their children, partly because of the long commutes? “When I leave the house in the morning the kids are still asleep and when I get back at night they are asleep once again,” a young father sighed recently. He works himself to death to give his family a luxury lifestyle but at the cost of what? Standing in traffic for hours each day, having a stressful job, and only years later, when baby-sitting, being able to give attention to the children of his children?



I know a father who made a life change and took a step back. The wellbeing of his family and his own happiness was more important to him than his expensive home, the amount on his paycheck, and his status. One can only hope that Barbara’s father will make that same change. That he will read his daughter’s letter in the “Libelle” and get the message that the organizations, the neighbors, and all those other people are not near as important as his own family. That he will take with both hands the chance to still become a caring and fun father.



Text: Dini Commandeur, Translation: Maria O’Neill


 

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